


In My Thoughts You're Far Away

by AceofWands



Category: Star Trek: Deep Space Nine
Genre: Friendship, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-28
Updated: 2017-07-28
Packaged: 2018-12-08 01:02:07
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,793
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11635686
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AceofWands/pseuds/AceofWands
Summary: Nerys and Jake, in the weeks after Benjamin disappears.





	In My Thoughts You're Far Away

**Author's Note:**

  * For [shinealightonme](https://archiveofourown.org/users/shinealightonme/gifts).



> Set following the events of _What You Leave Behind_.  
>  Title from Bastille's 'Good Grief'.  
> Thanks to [cosmic_llin](http://archiveofourown.org/users/cosmic_llin/pseuds/cosmic_llin) for the beta!

Nerys found him at the window again the next evening.

She was taking a stroll, trying to get the feeling back in her legs after a day sitting behind a desk. She’d worked her way through a double shift without even realising, bogged down by the mountain of paperwork that came with running a space station in the aftermath of years of war. Starfleet promised they’d send her a first officer as soon as they could, but she knew that it probably wouldn’t be for a while. They were all trying to find their footing, to readjust to peacetime, to pick up the pieces.

Jake turned to glance down at her when she stopped beside him, staring out at the space where the Celestial Temple was. It wasn’t open now, and no ships were scheduled for today, so all they could see was the usual stretch of blackness speckled with stars.

They watched the space in silence, but Jake kept glancing at her as if waiting for her to speak. She wondered what he thought she was going to say – to stop standing here? Not to wait? To get on with his life?

Her mouth twisted as she thought of the duranja in her quarters. She had lit it this morning, not just for Benjamin, but for Odo, Damar, and all the others who she’d lost in these last months. Nerys had had a lot of practice with grief. She knew there was nothing you could do except sob, and remember, and put one foot in front of the other.

It was Jake who finally broke the silence, turning sharply away from the window. “Do you want to get a drink?” he asked.

“Sure,” she agreed, following him down the stairs and across the promenade.

Quark’s Bar beckoned to them, a beacon of light and noise in marked contrast to the quiet of the upper level.

“Colonel! Mister Sisko!” Quark greeted them, his pointed teeth bared in their usual smirk. “What can I get you?”

Jake sat down right at the bar, leaning on it with his elbows, and Nerys followed suit. “I’ll have a Samarian sunset,” Jake said, then turned to Nerys for her order.

“I’ll have the same,” she said.

Quark raised his eyebrows at her choice but nodded. “Coming right up.” He set out two clear glasses and began taking down bottles, but looked over at them as he worked. “This is the first I’ve seen you today Colonel, I suppose things must be busy, up in Ops.”

Nerys snorted at the understatement. “If Dax hadn’t found me eating dinner at my desk I’d probably still be up there,” she admitted, mouth curving as she looked over at Jake, who smiled back—the first she’d seen since Benjamin disappeared.

It vanished just as quickly, grief flashing in his eyes for a moment. “She used to check in on my dad too,” he said, voice hushed in the rowdy bar.

Nerys reached over to squeeze his hand.

Jake squeezed back, the corners of his lips making a valiant attempt to curve upwards.

Two glasses of clear liquid were placed in front of each of them and Quark leaned his elbow against the bar. “Two Samarian sunsets,” he announced, reaching out and tapping first one, then the other, with a blue fingernail. The liquid fizzed, turning a brilliant golden colour that sparkled in the bright lights of the bar.

Nerys took a sip—it was as bright and effervescent in taste as it looked.

Jake put his glass down after draining half in one go, and leaned towards Quark. “So … who’s in the lead?”

Quark raised his eyebrows, “In the lead of what?” he asked, eyes darting to Nerys for a split second in what he clearly thought was a subtle glance.

“You know,” Jake continued, “for the bet about how long Dax and Doctor Bashir are going to stay together?”

Quark shot a panicked look towards Nerys, who had to hide her amusement behind another sip of her drink. “I have no idea what you’re referring to Mister Sisko, there are no bets being placed in this establishment, at least, none that I’m aware of—I would never go against station policy,” he stated, before pretending to see one of his waiters gesture towards him and rushing off.

Jake gave Nerys an incredulous look. “You banned Quark from running betting pools?”

“He was placing bets on who the next Kai would be!” she exclaimed, but then leaned in close to Jake so that Quark wouldn’t be able to overhear. “I had to make sure he knows who’s in charge around here, now that Odo’s …” She cleared her throat. “Just until we get a new security chief.”

When she leaned back, Jake was giving her an understanding smile. He'd grown up so much, during the war, that for a moment Nerys was torn between being proud of the kind, empathetic man he had become, and sad for the innocent young boy he would never be again.

She drained the rest of her drink, then turned to look for a waiter to bring them the next round.

~

It became a nightly ritual. Nerys would ride the turbolift down from ops to the promenade and stroll along its perimeter until she arrived at the window on the upper level. It didn’t seem to make a difference whether it was 2100 hours or 2600, Jake would be there.

Sometimes they stood together in silence for a while, other nights he would turn to her as soon as she arrived. Either way they would make their way to Quark’s.

“Don’t either of you have any other plans this evening?” Quark greeted them, after a fortnight of this.

“Why Quark, are you trying to get rid of us?” Nerys asked, narrowing her eyes just the right amount.

“Yeah Quark,” Jake chimed in, “since when do you turn away paying customers?”

Quark clutched his chest, “I would never!”

Nerys snorted, dropping down onto her usual stool, with Jake beside her.

“I just thought, perhaps you’d like a different view?” Quark persisted, picking up a glass and polishing it. “Say … up on the third level?”

Nerys frowned properly this time. “If I didn’t know any better, I’d think you were planning something.”

Quark’s eyes bulged, and Jake laughed. “Even Quark wouldn’t be foolish enough to make his plans that obvious to the commander of the station,” he pointed out.

Quark huffed and put the polishing rag down before leaning in. “Can’t you two take a hint? You’ve been scaring away my customers!” he hissed.

Nerys reached out and grabbed the lapel of his gaudy jacket before he could pull away, then leaned right up to his ear. “We _are_ your customers,” she reminded him, sweetly. “Now are you going to take our order, or will we take our business elsewhere?”

Quark straightened his jacket after she released him, and put on his fakest smile. “What can I get you, Colonel?”

“Bajoran springwine,” she replied, her smile just as fake.

Quark glanced over at Jake, but as usual he just nodded at Nerys and said, “the same”. They’d been taking turns, each ordering drinks for the other to try. Quark grumbled under his breath as he collected a bottle and glasses, placing them unceremoniously in front of them before stomping off to his back room.

“Maybe he has a point,” Jake said, pouring them both glasses and handing Nerys one. He leaned back on the bar, glass in hand, and looked out at all the people—a few ships were docked, so it was crowded tonight.

“That we’re scaring off his customers?” she asked, incredulous.

Jake laughed. “No! But we have been coming here every night …”

Nerys settled against the bar in the same way, facing the dabo wheel and watching it spin in a cascade of lights. She took a sip of her wine before asking, carefully, “You don’t want to?”

He turned to her, “I do,” he insisted, “But … well, when was the last time you went to the holosuite? Or did something other than work and come here?”

The last time she was in Quark’s holosuites was the day Benjamin went to Bajor.

“I don’t remember,” she lied, wondering if Jake would call her out or not.

But he didn’t. “Exactly!” he exclaimed, “We should go! Y’know, shake up our routine a bit. We could still come here afterwards.”

Nerys smiled at him. It would be nice to do something fun for a change. It felt like the only time she did anything other than work was when she spent time with Jake in the evening. Maybe Dax had had a point the other day, when she’d gently suggested that focusing all her energy on work didn’t leave room for much else—negative or positive.

“It sounds like a good idea to me,” she said, and Jake beamed.

“Great! So, what would you like to do?”

Nerys thought back to the myriad programs she and Jadzia had tried over the years, discarding them all just as quickly, but she hesitated before suggesting the program she knew they’d both enjoy. “We could … watch a baseball game together?”

Jake’s face crumpled in pain for a second, and Nerys cursed herself for saying the wrong thing. But then his features smoothed and he gave her a tentative smile. “I’d like that.”

“We don’t have to,” she said.

He shook his head, “No, I want to. Dad … would want us to.”

Now it was Nerys’s turn to offer a tentative smile. She sipped her wine, swallowing past the lump in her throat. She knew Jake didn’t have her faith in the Prophets, but she wondered if it was still a comfort to him, knowing his father was nearby, in the Celestial Temple. Whether he felt like she did—as if Benjamin was watching over them. They’d talked about a lot of different things over the past couple of weeks, and each night it sunk in more just how much Jake had grown up, but she hadn’t been willing to wade into those murky waters yet.

“In fact,” Jake said, perking up slightly, “Kasidy is expecting a message from her brother tomorrow morning, he might be sending a holorecording of the latest game on Cestus Three.”

“I’ll bring the hot dogs,” Nerys offered, nudging him with her shoulder.

Jake laughed, “Alright, it’s a date!”

~

They couldn’t exactly ask to watch Kasidy’s holorecording and then not invite her to join them. She’d greeted Nerys with a tight hug, which made her throat tighten with sudden guilt that she hadn’t visited the other woman at all in the past two weeks. She’d told herself Kasidy probably needed space, or that she had too much work to do, but now she realised she’d been avoiding her because she was afraid that she wouldn’t be able to deal with Kasidy’s grief in addition to her own.

“Nerys, it’s good to see you,” Kasidy said, when she’d pulled back, and Nerys let her hands move from the other woman’s shoulders to grab her hands.

“I’m sorry I haven’t come to see you,” Nerys told her.

Kasidy seemed surprised. “You don’t need to apologise, Jake tells me how busy are you,” she said, looking back at Jake who placed his hand on her shoulder.

Nerys fought to stop her brow from furrowing at Kasidy’s understanding and compassion, she wasn’t sure she deserved it. But then, she’d always been surprised by Kasidy. She’d thought, given her belief in the Prophets and the trials Benjamin had endured as Their Emissary, that the other woman would resent or even hate her, but the opposite was true. Kasidy had come to her for advice when she applied for her job with the Bajoran Ministry of Commerce. She’d asked Nerys’ opinion on where to eat and what to see when she was on Bajor. When she was on the station she ate lunch with her and Dax at the replimat, telling them about growing up on Cestus Three and all the places she’d seen on her cargo routes.

Maybe that was the problem, Kasidy had always been the one to reach out and make an effort. Usually Nerys reciprocated, but she’d been so caught up in working—or, if Dax was right, which she usually was, in avoiding everything by working—that she hadn’t even been doing that.

It was time for that to change.

“I can’t believe Starfleet still hasn’t sent you a new first officer, you’re dealing with twice the workload you should be!” Kasidy went on, bringing Nerys out of her thoughts.

“They claim that a new officer is on the way and should be here in a couple of weeks, but they still haven’t sent me any information about them,” she explained, and the three of them complained about Starfleet bureaucracy on their way up the stairs to the holosuite.

After years of watching baseball games with Benjamin, and playing a game with the Niners, Nerys had actually begun to enjoy the Earth sport. Jake and Kasidy’s enthusiasm added an extra layer of amusement, and she found herself caught up by their passion, cheering and crying out in dismay depending on whether Kasidy’s brother’s team—the Pike City Pioneers—was winning or losing.

All three of them rose to their feet as one when the Gorn batter hit a home run for the Pioneers in the last inning that won them the game. They turned to each other, cheering and elated, and crushed together for a group hug.

The grin was still on Nerys’ face as they made their way out of the holosuite and back down to the bar. Quark took one look at them as they headed towards their usual seats and opened his mouth, but closed it again when he noticed Kasidy with them.

“Mrs Sisko,” he greeted her, then offered a mumbled, “Mr Sisko, Colonel,” to Jake and Nerys as he turned away to mix up a drink for someone else. They both rolled their eyes at him and moved toward their usual seats. Jake moved across to the left of his usual spot, gesturing for Kasidy to sit between them.

She hesitated, glancing between them and the door. “Actually, I’m rather tired, I think I’ll just turn in for the night,” she said, looking apologetic.

“Oh, of course,” Nerys said, rising back up off the stool. “Good night.”

Kasidy smiled. “Goodnight Nerys.”

“Night Kasidy,” Jake said, and Kasidy turned to him, her smile turning more affectionate and yet stern at the same time.

“Goodnight Jake. Don’t stay out too late,” she told him, with the tone long adopted by mothers of many species.

“I won’t,” Jake replied, with the corresponding tone adopted by the offspring of those same species.

Nerys didn’t even try hiding her grin as Kasidy strode away, sitting back down on her stool as Jake moved closer.

“What?” he asked, when he noticed.

Her grin widened. “The two of you are adorable,” she teased, nudging him with her shoulder.

He chuckled, chin tilted down with a hint of bashfulness. “Yeah, she’s gonna be a great mom.” Then he leaned back and sighed. “I just wish I knew how to help her out more, y’know?”

“Oh?” Nerys asked. “What does she need help with?”

Jake sighed. “She’s been getting morning sickness. Doctor Bashir has prescribed her something for it, but it doesn’t seem to be doing much,” he explained. Then he sighed again, looking down. “I’m sure my dad would know what to do,” he said softly.

Nerys thought back to her own pregnancy, and all the support and advice she had received from Keiko and Miles. She and Keiko had compared the experience of Human and Bajoran pregnancies many times throughout the months Nerys was pregnant. It had been not only enlightening, but also a great source of comfort—it had felt as if they were connecting to something Bajoran and Human women had been doing for millennia: sharing their experiences, teaching each other, connecting.

And instead of doing the same for Kasidy, Nerys had been hiding in her office.

She rose suddenly from her stool.

“Come on Jake,” she said, and he looked up, startled. She smiled at him, “I wish your father was here too, and I’m sure Kasidy does as well, but until he comes back, we’ll just have to look after her together, okay?”

He returned her smile, and rose to his feet. “Okay. But where are we going?”

Nerys grinned. “We’re going to my office, so we can open a channel to Earth.”

~

When Kasidy opened the door to her quarters the next morning she looked surprised to see Nerys on her doorstep. Her face seemed pale, and she was holding her stomach with an expression of discomfort on her face.

“Nerys! What can I do for you? Is something the matter?”

“Actually, I think there’s something I can do for you,” Nerys said. She held up the box she was holding and smiled.

Kasidy stepped aside to allow her to enter, her eyebrows raised in curiosity. “Oh?”

“Jake told me you were having some trouble with morning sickness,” Nerys explained. “We made a call to Keiko O’Brien last night, and she said this was the only thing that helped her.” She opened the box to reveal a pale brown root. “It’s fresh ginger.”

Kasidy frowned, reaching down to pick up the root, “Is this … un-replicated? Where did you find real ginger?”

Nerys smiled. “Keiko introduced it to one of her friends on Bajor, apparently it’s become quite popular in Rakantha province! This was all I could get on short notice, but she promised to send more in a few days.”

She turned as a sleep-ruffled Jake emerged from his bedroom, yawning. He perked up when he saw her, “You found some?” he asked, rushing over.

“She did,” Kasidy said, running her hands over it and then looking back up at Nerys—who was startled to see tears in her eyes. “My mother grows ginger on Cestus Three, she would cook with it, and give it to us when we had stomach aches. She hadn’t been able to send me any, because of the war, and replicated ginger just doesn’t work the same …” She trailed off, face crumpling, and both Nerys and Jake moved to embrace her at the same time.

They both made soothing noises as Kasidy cried, her face buried in Nerys’ shoulder. Jake rubbed her back, and gave Nerys helpless looks, but she just smiled at him and stroked Kasidy’s hair until her tears subsided.

“I’m sorry, it’s all these hormones,” Kasidy offered, wiping her eyes on the sleeve of her dressing gown.

“I understand,” Nerys soothed her.

“I’m so grateful Nerys,” Kasidy went on, then glanced over, “and you too Jake. You’ve been such a big help these past weeks.”

Jake looked like he didn’t know what to say, shooting another helpless glance at Nerys.

“Why don’t we all sit down and get some of this ginger in you,” Nerys suggested, looking meaningfully at Jake, who nodded.

“I’ll get some boiling water and a knife,” he offered, bustling over to the replicator, while Nerys led Kasidy to the table.

Jake set a teapot on a woven mat on the table, and offered a small knife and board to Nerys, before sitting down beside her. She carefully cut thin slices of the ginger, as Keiko had instructed her last night, and then placed them in the hot water in the teapot.

“Keiko said it has to steep?” Nerys said, looking to Kasidy for confirmation.

She nodded. “That’s right.” Then she frowned, “But hold on, don’t you have to go to your shift? You don’t have to stay here with us.”

Nerys shook her head. “I can take the morning off,” she said, “The paperwork will still be there after lunch, and they know where to find me if there are any problems that can’t wait.”

“Are you sure?” Kasidy asked, glancing to Jake, who looked just as surprised.

Nerys leaned forward and laid her hand over Kasidy’s on one side, and Jake’s on the other. “I’m sure. You, and Jake, and Benjamin, and the life growing inside of you. You’re more important than anything else,” she tried to explain, looking between them, her voice halting as the weight of the last few weeks—the last few years, maybe her entire life—startled to slide from her shoulders. “Especially now with Benjamin … gone. I want to be here for you … you’re my family.”

The tears in Kasidy’s eyes had returned, and Jake’s looked watery as well. Not that Nerys could see very clearly through her own tears. Kasidy squeezed her hand tightly and leaned into her at the same time that Jake did, both of them holding her so tightly it hurt.

“Oh Nerys. We’re here for you as well,” Kasidy said, voice choked up.

“Yeah,” Jake added, “We love you Nerys.”

The three of them began to cry in earnest, holding each other and sobbing, the sharp scent of ginger tea wafting between them.

~

Jake found her standing at the window, looking out at the stars.

“A Yridian freighter is scheduled to go through any minute now,” she told him, not taking her eyes away from the blackness of space. She still came down here every night, even if it was only for a minute, but rarely saw more than the stars.

She and Jake stood together in silence, feeling the comforting hum of the station around them, until—at last—the Celestial Temple opened in a cascade of dazzling light. The Yridian freighter was a speck of black against the brilliant gold, barely visible.

After a moment of radiance, it closed in a swirl of blue and Nerys turned away from the sight to face Jake, who grinned down at her.

“Kasidy sent me to get you,” he said. “Are you ready?”

Nerys nodded, “I’ve just got to …” She pulled her baseball cap out of her pocket, tugging it onto her head with a smile. “There, now we can go.”

Already wearing his cap, Jake’s grin widened. Together they made their way towards Quark’s.

Kasidy, Ezri, Julian, and Nog were clustered around a table near the stairs, wearing their Niners uniforms. Ezri waved as they entered, and the four of them rose, ready to head up to the holosuite.

“Hey Quark,” Nerys said, as they strode past, “Save us our seats!”

He scowled at her teasing smile, and she and Jake laughed.

“Are you two finally ready to play?” Kasidy asked, as they approached.

“We’re ready,” Nerys said, nudging Jake with her shoulder. He clapped a hand across her back and smiled.  

 


End file.
